I’m sure you know by now that just like with romantic relationships, not all friendships are created equal. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about female friendships as the dynamic between two women can be very specific & particular. But we sometimes run into friendships that aren’t so friendly.

Back in 2002, I met up with my girlfriends for Sunday brunch. I remember it was a dreadful winter and I had just cut my usually long hair to just refresh my look and couldn’t wait to show it off to my girlfriends. As I was approaching the table, one of my friends, let’s call her AB, gave me the most backhanded compliment ever about my new do! I wasn’t expecting it and was caught off guard.

Back then, the term ‘frenemy’ wasn’t a thing but looking back, I now know that that is exactly what she was to me. If you aren’t familiar with the term frenemy, Merriam-Webster defines it as one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy.

My frenemy, AB, was always competitive with me and always found a way to put down what I was saying or doing. She seemed oblivious to the effect that her words had on me. I guess because she said them with a smile on her face, in her mind she wasn’t really insulting me. Do you have any ‘friends’ like that?

From my experience as a psychotherapist & running online group coaching programs, I’ve learned that women have difficulty navigating female friendships because of the frenemies that are posing as true friends in their lives. So, let’s talk about why this is and what you can do about it.

In my early 20s, I always found myself in the types of friendships where I was caught in the middle of a triangle where someone was always mad at me or jealous of my other friendships. It wasn’t until after years of therapy where I learned that I was playing out this unresolved triangle type of experience in my family of origin. I wasn’t aware of it back then. My parents were divorced, I felt split loyalty, etc. but that was something that once I had the realization, it changed my life as I was able to stop attracting these types of people into my life.

You may have a different scenario but here’s the thing. We only have two choices in life. You can either (A) act things out OR (B) talk things out. The things that you’re unaware of seem impossible, right, because they’re deep down in your subconscious mind so how can you even talk them out if you don’t know that they even exist?

You can’t. So what happens is you act them out because your healthy mind wants a resolution, a different ending. For me and my split loyalty between my parents, I just wanted everyone to be happy. But without my new skills, a new outcome was highly unlikely. So that’s the first thing to think about…you and your history, in the mix of things.

Who needs this type of friend?! There’s enough negative crap in this world. As they say, with friends like that, who the hell needs enemies!

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)


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